It’s been the strangest summer on record.
On the one hand it’s been one of the most fun. Some great travel, some cherished friends visiting, beautiful weather and the hummingbirds are off the chart.
On the other hand, I’m faced with my own personal kryptonite in the form of being displaced from my home. We’ve been renting a house in the Santa Fe hills for nearly four years and a few months ago we were informed that the homeowners are selling. It took this long for my denial to wear off; I had some full-body avoidance Kevlar shielding me from the truth. Just this week reality finally set in. Probably because it goes on the market as of August 1st. T-minus too close and counting.
This week I also learned the terms of us staying in the house while it’s on the market, which includes vacating at a moment’s notice whenever I’m directed, regardless if I have a full day of appointments scheduled. That’s not going to work for me, a structure-loving organizational freak. So… it was determined that we’d be leaving immediately (rather than continuing to procrastinate in finding a new place to live).
SUCH a disruption. For the star lovers out there, a little back story… I’m an astrological Cancer, with Cancer ascending, Leo moon. You want to see me turn into a full-blown crab, just mess with my home.
I also had the vision that we’d be in this rental house for five years and then if we loved Santa Fe (which we do) we’d buy a house. It hasn’t quite been four years. This goes against my plan. And so goes the Sufi saying, If you want to make God laugh, create a five-year plan… I get it. God’s laughing at my attachment issues.
So, feeling like my foundation had just officially crumbled, I experienced some inner turmoil for a few days.
I felt some grief. I really love where I live and have never left a home of mine through somebody else’s choice. Another one of my inner truths revealed…I hate feeling out of control.
I dipped pretty low.
And then I finally got tired. Hopelessness is exhausting. Even through my denial, I’ve been carrying this house-selling burden around for the past three or four months. It’s too heavy.
I decided that I’d enter the pain, stop trying to avoid it (which is always infinitely more exhausting) and just face the truth. Our chapter has closed on this house; time for a new experience. And who’s to say that this new experience won’t be even better. Maybe it’s time to actually dialogue with my inner commitment-phobe and think about buying.
After having this shift in consciousness, I went to bed telling myself I just need to get through these next two months. The next two months will be the hardest, I said. I can endure anything for two months. And then I fell asleep and had a dream I was in prison. A two-month sentence. But it was good. I owned that experience. In fact, I loved it. I was the boss in that place, the queen of the prisoners, and everyone was cooperative.
When I woke up, I got the message loud and clear. It’s time to stop crumbling and start commanding. I’m in this situation. I need to find a new place to live. Yes, I have to pack up another eighty five boxes of books (my pre-Kindle history) and wrap up another china cabinet full of crystal. I have to ask more landlords if they allow pets and exercise my super powers of positive influence if they say no. Yes, I have to cater to this home’s realtor and ask my clients to temporarily understand. Yes, no question, this will absolutely be one giant pain in the ass.
But who’s to say it’s not going to be worth it?
It was Eckhart Tolle who said, “To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible. Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”
Time to take off the Kevlar, feel the discomfort, stop complaining and just move forward. Time for acceptance.