Shame vs. Healthy Guilt
Dr. Brene’ Brown, the world’s guru on shame, writes that shame and empathy are on the same scale.
On one end we have shame, the feeling that when we mess up we are a horrible, awful, unlovable person who can’t do anything right and deserves to be flogged.
As opposed to healthy guilt, which is “Damn, that was a mistake. Could have done things differently. I see the error, I have some amends to make, and I won’t make that mistake again.”
It’s the difference between recognizing there was error in our actions, or hating ourselves for messing up because that means we’re pathetic losers. You get the difference.
We all have shame. Some far worse than others. But for everyone it rears its head every now and then.
Self-empathy
On the other end of the spectrum is Empathy, the opposite of Shame, according to Dr. Brown’s scale. Empathy is accompanied by the concepts of courage, compassion, and connection, and that’s not only outwardly directed. This means that if we are “shame resilient” (which we all have to learn; it’s not an innate reflex) when we mess up, we may feel the beginning pangs of shame but then deliver the antidote to that poison pill, which is self-directed empathy.
This may look something like, “I messed up. I’m such a loser!… Oh wait…No I’m not…My action was flawed…but I’m okay..I’m human.” It’s the ability to courageously and compassionately find connection with our inner wounds which are always responsible for “shame” attacks. It’s about learning to self-medicate with the neuropeptides responsible for empowerment rather than neuro-chemicals of crippling self-criticism. On some level it’s just biology, though there is a lot of psychology driving the biology.
Hanging on by my fingernails.
When I was a young woman in my twenties, I was lost. Struggling to find my way after losing my mother at the age of nineteen, I threw myself into my career. In my mid-late twenties I was managing the surgery division of a referral veterinary hospital in New England. I was a tyrant. Ugh. I couldn’t own any of my faults, and any time something went wrong I looked for who I could blame.
I was also in a relationship at the time with a man who made sure to point out every one of my faults just in case I wasn’t keeping track myself. Blame and shame were my teachers at the time. All of it made for the makings of a really horrible leader.
But then something shifted.
I discovered Zen Buddhism which was medicine for my mind; all of my illusions and attachments were soothed into gentle awareness. Suddenly I began to recognize the reasons I searched for others to blame. Because if I accepted the blame I would have to accept my shame, and it was just too big to contend with. Or so I thought.
This simple recognition began to turn everything around for me.
By the time I reached thirty-one, I had made a complete evolution, which included leaving the psychologically abusive partner. Connecting to my spirit, rather than my wound, enabled me to find compassion for myself. In so doing, I gained the courage to not only face my faults, my occasional errors, but also my shame.
It hurt. A lot.
For ten years I was a raging inferno, as all the repressed pain tore to the surface of my consciousness. But slowly I began to find euphoric freedom in the strength to say, “It’s my fault. That was me. I showed really poor judgment. I’ll take the blame. What can I do to fix this?”
It ended up feeling so good to be strong enough to stand in the face of my own human frailties, wise or otherwise.
AND this tendency will always be there in my shadow.
A shame / blame scar.
Others today who are locked in the same patterns I was, in my twenties, are a real trigger for me. When someone can’t own their stuff, it tests me hard. But only because when I look at them, I see myself. And then I remember the heartbreak of that sad, alone, overwhelmed young woman who was so desperately trying to keep it together and believed the only way to succeed was to not feel.
Blame or shame, it’s all an invitation for compassion.
Much Love,
Kristy
P.S. ~ Have your own dance with blame and shame? Let’s see if I can help.
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