A word about productivity.
A few months ago I was sitting at my computer and *pop*, suddenly I was staring at a big black circle in my field of vision accompanied by trippy flashes of neon lights and a fun-house case of vertigo I couldn’t shake. What the hell, I thought, and automatically assumed it was a retinal tear. Fast forward a day and I had another diagnosis.
My eye doctor told me it wasn’t a retinal tear but something called a Central Serous Retinopathy, something caused by too much cortisol in the system. In layman’s terms, I stressed myself out to the point of blowing a vessel in my eye, causing fluid/serum to leak under my retina. The big circle in my vision was a liquid bubble, rendering vision in my left eye a thing of the past; I had none and likely wouldn’t for five or six months. When my body speaks up, it never does so half-assed, as my retinal bubble revealed–one of the most severe cases the ophthalmic specialist had seen in some time.
I took a deep breath and tried not to have a melt-down. Nothing like medicating a stress disorder with more stress.
Re-evaluating things.
It was a bit of an eye-opening experience for me (haha). Because of my eye, I had to look my running-myself-ragged habit in the face, wondering how I could be so good at helping my clients sort out of their own harmful tendencies when I had such a hard time seeing my own. It’s deceptive, this tendency, because to others it looks a lot like “productivity”, which seems to get a free pass in our modern world.
I can’t deny I have a history of getting stuff done, accomplishing goals. Meanwhile my adrenal system has been sending S.O.S. signals through my body for years, but my mind just keeps pushing. Pop goes the eyeball, and suddenly a re-visioning of my priorities is in order. Loss of half of my sight has gotten my attention much more effectively than the occasional headache or achy hip.
So, I changed some things.
And it wasn’t easy.
I started allowing myself 9-10 hours of sleep a night. I read books on hypo-adrenalism. I started gauging my free-time activities based on how much fun I’d have doing them, rather than how productive they were. I spent some time reading non-work related books. In two months, I binged all seasons of Mad Men. I scheduled hikes into my calendar, giving them equal importance to the meetings and appointments. I saw my acupuncturist and chiropractor weekly.
Wow, were there some internal protests happening. My left-brain analytical side was complaining nonstop. It told me I was slacking, lazy, unproductive.
Then a metamorphosis took place.
I started enjoying the R & R. My eye improved so fast my ophthalmologist thought I was lying; trying to paint a rose-colored version of the truth. He was talking to me about surgery and I was telling him, “I don’t even notice it, I’m telling you!” He shook his head, offering me condolences as though I was in denial.
So this brings us to yesterday when I had another recheck with the specialist. In two and a half months, my eye bubble is gone. My vision’s been clear for weeks. My ophthalmologist couldn’t believe it when the scan showed that I had totally cleared it, something he predicted would take twice as long to resolve.
And now my push-me tendency, my inner task-master, is feeling a little sheepish. Because no matter how we look at it, running ourselves into the ground is just plain stupid. I love the task-master side of me, no doubt. My tendencies to love productivity, to keep a fast pace, to look to the future…they drive my creativity which I also cherish. But when these tendencies start to dictate my every action, my every choice, and they keep whipping even when I’m tired, then it’s time for reorganizing.
Not to silence them or lull them to sleep, but to allow them to scream their protests. Only then can I really communicate with them, to hear why they’re pushing so much, why they’re becoming inhumane.
Just what am I afraid of?
Leave a Comment